Return To Me: Julia Templeton

In my time as a reader and as a reviewer I've come across a veritable plethora of romance novels. Very few of them can be called good, only one or two can be called truly great. Unfortunately for Julia Templeton, Return to Me can't be called anything except wretched.

The plot is a basic boilerplate historical of the beautiful orphan, Gabrielle Wentworth, who has been taken from the convent by her only relative, her uncle, and then sold into marriage to a lecherous and repulsive man, Lord Sutherland. But Gabrielle is no ordinary, orphaned beauty; she is also a witch with great powers though these do nothing to save her from the foul fiancé who is suspected of having murdered his previous four wives. Yes, four wives. Even in the early 1800's, even for someone of the nobility one would think this many mysteriously dead wives would have caused an investigation of some kind, but nay! Such is not the case and poor Gabrielle will soon be the next victim unless she can escape... or be rescued...

By the entrance of the stunningly handsome, tanned, dark-flowing-haired Darius Macleod, appropriately accented in the Scottish way. He is accompanied by his twin brother Demetri (because why have one when you can have two?) and Demetri's lover, Remont. These aren't just any men though. Nay! They're vampires, and they have purposely sought out Gabrielle because she is the very picture of the wife that Darius lost five hundred years ago. When they learn of the plot to marry her off to the foul Sutherland, the three vampires conspire to rescue her so that Darius may claim his bride once again. But alas! She disappears before this can happen. Wherever has she gone? Will Darius find his lost love before Sutherland can follow through with his evil plan? Will Gabrielle accept her destiny as Darius's lost love and fall into his arms, and out of her dress, with wanton abandon? Will she accept his Dark Kiss and become his for all eternity? Were the two hot homosexual vampires thrown in because chicks dig boy-kissing but don't want to actually be confronted with man-on-man sex (which is always carefully shied away from)?

Enough with this schlock. Throwing in witches and vampires to catch the reader's eye in the new millennium doesn't make it better or more interesting when faced with sex scenes that involve descriptions such as (and I quote rather loosely here but these words were all used in a similar sequence) "her tight, hot sheath was stuffed..." Yes, stuffed. She used the word "stuffed" to describe a romantic sex act. The girl was stuffed by his ginormous, swinging tool. Frankly I only want stuffing to be mentioned in connection with turkey and gravy, not sex. Call me a horrible, unromantic cynic if you like but this isn't romantic. It's pandering, it's worn-out, it's done, and it's boring. If you want paranormal romance there is a ginormous selection out there for you to choose from that will give you a much better rush then this. I promise.

**The .5 star is for the pretty cover. I had to concede something.
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Publisher: Berkley Trade (August 7, 2007)
ISBN-10: 0425215415
ISBN-13: 978-0425215418
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