Dear EW.com,

I spent the past two years trying to sell you serial rights and excerpts to some of the finest authors in the industry, but you were “taking a pass”. I sent you books written by some of the hottest celebrities in Hollywood, since that is what you’re about, but all I heard was “it’s not for us”. I sent you books written by top authors about celebrities and all I heard was the sound of my phone not ringing. So the other day I’m going through all my RSS feeds and what do I see? EW.com will show exclusive excerpts of John Grisham’s new book The Associate each Friday from December 19th until the publication date of January 27th. Really? That’s what turns you on?

Once I realized that our relationship wasn’t working because it truly was you and not me, I started to wonder, are Grisham fans that bored and lonely that they have nothing else to do on a Friday than to wait for the next installment of a book that will be just like the 20 they read before it? So I got together with a few of my co-reviewers here at Book Fetish and we thought we’d help them out with some fun activities to hold them over until the release date:

1. They could rearrange their human hair collection by color and texture.

2. They could give middle names to all 20 of their cats (assuming they didn’t already)

3. They could think of new recipes to make with all those cans of soup in the pantry

4. They could remove the aluminum foil from three windows for an updated, chic look

5. They could give the double-wide a shiny new coat of paint

6. They could arrange a field trip to a bookstore for their entire ward (tranquilizers optional) and see what good books are like.

Anyway, EW.com, I’m moving on with my life. I have closure. Good luck with the John Grisham thing. I wish you both much happiness. Of course you and I can still be friends.