Apparently my less-than-glowing comments have found their way back to John Grisham. I’m not surprised, since he just changes the names and basic plot lines for each book, he probably has a lot of free time on his hands. Rather than try to pop off an original thought, he decided to call me:

JG: Ms. Fountain, why do you have such a hard-on for me?

RF: Mr. Grisham, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

JG: It’s just that I don’t understand why you’re constantly trashing me on your website.

RF: I’m not trashing you, just your books. They are the epitome of the dumbing-down of America.

JG: See, right there. That’s what I mean.

RF: Please don’t whine, Mr. Grisham.

JG: You think just because people read my books, it means they’re dumb?

RF: Not so much dumb, as lazy. You know, my mother read your books back in the day. In her defense, we kids did take a lot out of her. She didn’t have any energy by the end of the day, so curling up with one of your books didn’t require her to think too much.

JG: I am a lawyer. I am a very smart man. I am prolific .

RF: Was that Haiku?

JG: Tom Cruise was in a movie based on one of my books.

RF: Do you think that was a factor in him losing his mind?

JG: What?

RF: Listen John, can I call you John?

JG: I’d prefer you didn’t.

RF: I’m not trying to take anything away from you. You’ve made millions from your writing and I can appreciate that. I’m just trying to broaden your readers’ horizons.

JG: I see. So what, you think they should read that horror stuff you review on your site?

RF: Not necessarily. I just think they need to turn off Jerry Springer and open their minds; experience different types of books.

JG: They can do that with me; I’ve written 22 books.

RF: Yes, you have. Please stop. You’re like a literary puppy mill.

JG: I’m going to send you my latest book. You’ll see.

RF: Are you threatening me, Mr. Grisham?

JG: What?

RF: Oh, never mind.