The dumb-ing down of America has just hit warp speed—Nicole “Snookie” Polizzi has a book deal. Sad but true, Drunky-Smurf has written her first novel.

Although the news is crushing to serious writers, readers and anyone with an IQ over five, there’s no doubt that her spiky-haired, orange-toned peers are in danger of tearing a rotator cuff from all the fierce celebratory fist-pumping.

The old saying, "Be careful what you wish for" actually applies to this. After reading Lauren Conrad’s childish scribbling known as L.A. Candy and the incredibly amateur Sweet Little Lies, I couldn’t help but think, “Nothing could be worse than this”… Sorry. My bad.

Although I usually can’t pass up an opportunity to read celebutard musings, I don’t think my brain has fully recovered from Conrad’s literary assault—as I’m only now relearning how to dress myself.