Listen… do you hear it? That slightly-muffled noise is the sound of our remaining fellow American resistor’s minds slamming shut.

Though we’ve made great strides in our nation:ending slavery, gaining racial equality and women winning the right to vote, as well as more recent triumphs: gay rights, a black president and the removal of Glenn Beck from television—if only for a little while—a new cause is on the horizon.

The sights of the narrow-minded have been set on a potentially dangerous and horrible issue that has been threatening the very core of this great nation for the past five years: gay penguins.

Prompted by yet another appearance of And Tango Makes Three, topping the list of the American Library Association’s (ALA) Top Ten List of the Most Frequently Challenged Books of 2010 for its fifth year, these flightless, dirty birds have made it clear that they’re not going away quietly.

Yes, America, the unthinkable has happened. While your innocent children lay peacefully in their beds, two male emperor penguins at the Central Park Zoo found an abandoned egg and raised the chick as their own. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell thought nothing of bringing this true story, based on the scourge of the animal kingdom to light in… God help us… a children's book.

The good news is Americans can rest assured knowing that our tireless, misdirected, patriots are working diligently to get this book removed from schools and public libraries to ensure that you and your loved ones won’t have to endure the inhuman terror inflicted by this seemingly innocent picture book.

And, let’s face it, isn’t that what America is all about? A group of nameless, faceless—possibly deranged—people making unilateral decisions for the masses regarding what they should and shouldn’t read? I’m sure everyone will rest much easier knowing that these thoughtful, and gently-misguided, people have our best interest at heart.

But, until the day when our nutty little friends finally succeed, the most important thing to remember is don't panic. Continue to go about your lives as before, because any reduction in the quality of life of the American people would mean that the penguins have won.